i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
