Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
