Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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