Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
