Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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