Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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