And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
