There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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