She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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