She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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