i need an iv and a liver transplant
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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