my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wear drunk well.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
