I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
