filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
