Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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