I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
