Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I will pee on everything he values.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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