I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
