we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
