Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
