Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
