i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
