uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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