FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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