when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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