I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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