I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
