***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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