Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
