Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He is an equal opportunity slut.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
