i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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