Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
