I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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