...so i touched it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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