I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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