So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
