I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
