After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
