Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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