im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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