you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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