I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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