You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
