Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
