and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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