I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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