I'm going to jail i love you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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