so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
