No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
