i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much rum. So many feels.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize