I met the friendliest cop last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
