Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
