we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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