Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Even my vagina gasped.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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