I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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