she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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