nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
