The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
