Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
